Mother, I Don’t Forgive You – Why the Book Was Re-Titled

In 1992, after nearly a decade of trying desperately to forgive my mother, my life was spinning out of control.  Not only had I failed at forgiveness, I had also failed to even begin to heal from my severely abusive childhood.

 I heard from friends, relatives, therapists, and Christians, that I needed to forgive in order to heal; however, no one could adequately answer my questions:

·       “Why am I required to forgive, but my mother is not required to stop behaving abusively? 

·       How can I forgive someone who stole my innocence with physical and emotional violence?

·       How can I forgive somebody who has never asked to be forgiven; someone who has never even acknowledged any wrongdoing; somebody who continues to inflict the same pain?

·       Doesn’t the Bible say, ‘If your brother sins, rebuke him; and IF he repents, forgive him’ (Luke 17:3).

·       Isn’t there a point where self-preservation comes first?”

When Reconciliation is Worthwhile

My brother Rob and I have been largely estranged for 22 years - speaking briefly only twice until recently. Family violence wreaks havoc on families.  We all do what we have to to survive.  Sometimes survival means hurting one another.

At the end of 2013 Rob's wife became terminally ill. We spoke on the phone a few times from then until her death a couple of weeks ago.

During a conversation I had with my brother last week, I said, "When we were little kids, we were so close.    We mourned dad's death together, we commiserated about Ed's brutal violence towards us, we shared inside jokes, secrets, and a special bond.  We understood each other like no other.  I want you to know, that no matter what has happened between us, where ever I have been in the last 22 years, the little girl in me has always loved the  little boy in you."

"It never goes away Nance," was his reply and we softly said good-bye.

Exclusion

Exclusion still exists in my family.  The details are not important; however, what is noteworthy is that some form of estrangement, exclusion, ostracism, or rejection continues to make the rounds. 

The sad part of the exclusion is that it is such a big part of the fabric of our family that it is accepted as a given - even while silently watching a family member in pain.(see: When Healthy Looks Crazy).

The excluded individual must learn to navigate the pain of rejection on their own.  That is where self-care must come in.  I must keep good boundaries so I don't put myself in situations where I will be/feel excluded.  Unfortunately, watching history repeat itself in the younger family generation is painful. My family seems to believe that the victim of exclusion "should not let it bother them" and continue to put themselves in harms way. Unfortunately, humans are not wired to sustain rejection.

Studies show that experiencing a rejection activates the same part of the brain as when we experience physical pain.   The same research also demonstrates that rejection mimics physical pain so much so that taking Tylenol eases the pain associated with rejection.  Psychologists believe this is true because human evolution has wired our brains to link our survival to our dependance on our inclusion in the tribe.

According to Psychology Today,  Rejection does not respond to reason. Participants were put through an experiment in which they were rejected by strangers. The experiment was rigged—the "strangers" were confederates of the researchers. Surprisingly, though, even being told that the "strangers" who had "rejected" them did not actually reject them did little to ease the emotional pain participants felt. Even being told that the strangers belonged to a group they despised such as the KKK did little to soothe people's hurt feelings. Guy Winch, Ph.D. "10 Surprising Facts About Rejection." The Squeaky Wheel. PsychologyToday.com. 3 July 2013. Web. 7 Sept. 2014.

You can see the whole article here:  10 Surprising Facts About Rejection

Bottom line, our well-being always comes back to boundaries.  As adults the individual alone is responsible for their own well-being.

When Healthy Looks Crazy

Although we are reconciled, I'm still the black sheep in my family. I've always been "different."

Growing up I often heard, "Why do I always have this trouble with you Nancy? Only you- never the boys? The boys never complain about fill in the blank (being hit by your step-father, etc)."

The majority is always right - right? In civilized society this is generally true; there is a consensus on appropriate behavior.  But who decides in families? Unfortunately for those growing up in dysfunctional family systems - it is the dysfunctional  majority who decides what is appropriate - a crazy making scenario for the healthy few.


In other words, if a family as a group is only familiar with an unhealthy behavior - healthy looks "crazy."  I call this "Island Thinking" - thinking that only holds true on the family island.

For example, a big part of adulthood is being able to take care of oneself.  In order to take care of ourselves and maintain our self-esteem, we must keep good boundaries.  But what if you grow up in a family without healthy boundaries?  If parents don't model healthy boundaries, their children don't even know healthy boundaries exist let alone how to exercise or honor this basic measure of self care.

If and when one family member does learn about self-care and begins exercising boundaries, this healthy behavior looks so foreign to the family who has never seen family boundaries that they all agree that the boundary setter is behaving "crazy."

Being punished for healthy behavior can feel "crazy making," especially as a child.  But understanding "why" healthy can look crazy can make the experience feel less crazy making. 

I still choose to set healthy boundaries even when my family thinks I'm crazy. I am constantly striving to balance receiving the good that comes with family with rejecting that which is harmful to me.

Return to Blogging

I haven't blogged for some time.  I felt like I had exhausted everything I had to say about estrangement and reconciliation.

I am grateful that my blog has been helpful to many people dealing with the pain of estrangement. I want to say thank you to all of you who have continued to reach out to me through blog comments and email even though I haven't blogged consistently for four years. It is comforting to know that the sharing of my journey has helped others.

For the last eight years I have been navigating my family reconciliation.  I must say, reconciliation is very hard and very delicate work.  Reuniting with my family has had some major rewards, enabled continued growth, as well as some pain.  Overall, it has been worthwhile.  Yet, dysfunctional families, don't become functional just because there is reconciliation.  All the dysfunction still exists; the challenge is the response.  I must keep good boundaries, continue to work hard, and bask in the rewards when they come my way.

I thought I would write a few posts at this point on issues that I/we still struggle with as well as what makes our reconciliation worthwhile.

Taking Care of Oneself

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."

-Buddha

I heard this quote on NPR this morning and it was a good reminder for me. No matter how much I heal, I always need to remember to exercise as much compassion for myself, as I do for others.

Why Heal and Forgive?

For decades, I heard from friends, relatives, therapists, and fellow Christians, that I needed to forgive my abusers in order to heal. This advice - and the attempts I made to forgive before I'd learned to exercise personal boundaries - left me open to further injury and damaged me deeply.

When I finally mustered the courage to buck societal expectations; not to forgive; and to put my own healing and well-being first, I achieved a level of healing that I never thought was possible. My period of NOT forgiving created the space necessary to achieve the greatest emotional growth of my life. Wow!

The unintentional by-product of this healing, was - ironically - forgiveness.

At that time, I realized that the old adage, "Forgive and Heal," was backwards. For me, it was "Heal and Forgive!"

If I only knew then that adequate healing had to come first, it would have saved me a great deal of time and pain. So, now I shout it from the roof tops, "Heal first, THEN Forgive!"